eyes without a face

It's been a long time since I wrote something in my journal; I haven't made myself busy like I normally would. I would always work myself on a concept themed shoot, or attend events, or just get myself involved with a project, but lately there hasn't been something that presented itself interesting. 

I have been detaching myself more from the people I knew, A lot has been wondering why we haven't started our year and why has The Asylum been missing out on events and pulling out from shoots... It has come to our attention to where and who I will prioritize as part of a focused business plan, which I mentioned in my facebook page not so long ago. What I really meant, there are so many things I want to do, work on, people who I want to collaborate with. People who are worth my time, setting my priorities straight which I haven’t been doing in a long time, and for the very first time, I begin to see the big picture in detail. A risky strategic move to cater only small groups and highlighted events in which our services are most needed.  Like I mentioned just the people I want to collaborate with are mostly friends, people in my circle of trust, I have been clinging on the wrong people, and when it was too late, the rumors has been spread, and it killed me.

You may hear there and then I am like this but people who know me best, know who I am really.  I am avoiding the scenes lately that can bring me down Furthermore I personally pulled out s connections and support to The South Otaku United of the Philippines or Soup. Once my pride, now they call themselves the South side. I literally remove myself from all responsibility and affiliation, knowing that this group can tear me apart.

What now - from the day I started through mobile phone photography to picking my first digicam to holding a DSLR at my hands, to shifting myself to mirrorless... I will never stop evolving... I won’t stop getting crazy... I will continue to do my best.

I haven’t fully pushed the team, nor they have heard much from me, maybe this direction I am hoping for is the right one, by then, there isn’t an option for me to turn back and stop. Everything is a rush since the last three months, like never before I have put myself this far.  Lao Tzu once said “Manifest plainness, Embrace simplicity, Reduce selfishness, Have few desires.” I will do so, remove myself that bring me down so I can just keep moving forward, and it is not because I want to be successful, because I need to survive, to get through the abyss I am in at the moment. 

this is it

During my college days, me and my friends promised ourselves we would create chaos in cosplay conventions, be part of major events and be an invasion. We never did live to that promise, but it never stopped us from dreaming that our names will go down in history.

September 2015, Over countless events I have been to, from Ozine, Otaku Expo, Fatasm, Animax Carnival, Dutdutan XIV, Best of Anime, Nexcon and now the Asia Pop Comic Con 2015. I have been a geek all my life, growing up to my brother's comic book collections, to watching cartoons growing up, playing Magic the Gathering with my peers, now, I am living the dream. And now I can really stop and slow down and see where now? what now?

Alice Chang, Asia Pop Comic con  2015

APCC 2015 was close as I can get to attending international conventions, without a passport, leaving the country and facing jet lag, it was a euphoria, that I hope I can be part of staff and the community someday. Seeing celebrities face to face, to seeing adults with childlike hearts, to kids dressing up as their heroes, and being a goof, and that's okay... I got to talk to staff, see media fly by before once me again, to see Instagram idols, and seeing where my favorite comic book artist sat and signed stuff, I cannot get over the feeling the high. 

Tatiana Galas, Best of Anime 2015

BOA, Best of Anime 2015 was milestone for me, I am nearly getting to my 2 year mark of doing cosplay photography, and yet I have to learn more, from lighting, strobing, and properly photo editing - I feel I am still a toddler, walking, and soon I will be running for more. But sadly, I will be putting an end to covering small events, as  I try to focus on larger events, and someday brave and handle weddings, and to focus back where I started, and why I began shooting in the first place, it would really give me some time to think - do I need to do more? why I'm doing this? is this what I really want?

A lot of things has to face as new challenges arises, new photographers are out there, better than I am, versus one creepy photographer, I lost my team, I lost my daughter, I lost a muse, I lost my sanity - I got to continue fighting, despite all the negativity that has brought me down, I go to face the music, face the shadows, and keep doing my best. I have pulled myself out from Dutdutan XV,

but i hope it doesn't stop me to keep on swimming.

My brand hasn't settled yet, it's slowly getting a pace and kick from the south, I can only hope and just pray to the heavens, for a rain of endless opportunities for me to swim on.

music, photos and leaving it all...

My mood is kind of mellow at the moment, that to put The Asylum on hold after a good run of 10 months, I have to find some other groove to get going.

Winah Lacanilao, Dutdutan 14

I cannot explain or simply put to words as to why  I am semi-retiring, maybe the best things or how people view this, is I had enough bulk to handle on my own now. 

To be honest, I can fake that I am really doing well, but I just need to take a time off.  But because I am doing so much now, I got people telling me to look long and hard the life I was living and helped me realize the coping mechanism I built after my depression isn't working.

Running a team that is slowly dispersing, is much a sad thing, and that could be one of the many reasons.

During the last few months, I really felt the wear and tear and seeing my slowly team go,  as they say people have their reasons, I will just simply leave it at that. And the supposed coping mechanism to alleviate me from my long term sadness, felt I really need to deserve a proper break. It' s been tough and I couldn't keep pushing myself the way I have anymore, it really felt I am going drop down to the pavement, If I didn't kept going. So in a couple of weeks, I will embark the largest shoot that I will be hosting, my last shoot. So many models invited, cosplayers, and friends alike, to this once in a lifetime for me to shoot them at their very best.

Nickhers Concepcion, Memoirs

After which, I am taking a longer, much needed break, to rebuild what is left of me and The Asylum, and to work this out long term, despite my new schedule change at my regular day job, I really need the time figure a way to make it out through this.

I have been working on improving photos and studying new techniques during this time off, to be better at my craft, something that will not be taken from me, and even though I will be out for quite some time, there will be a whole new The Asylum and me, once I get out and live to get crazy again, when we do return.

I like to thank the following people who helped me got to this level of success: Honey, Tiarra, Kirky, Ronan, Aly, Yuki, Rhosa, to my TACOS (The Asylum Cosplay Otaku Society) girls - Nhal, Alice, Angel, and June, The Faculin Sisters - Karen, Kitty and Keshia, the MTP models - Eyra, Marg, Kim, Joycee, and Cristelle, and Cosplay friends such as Angel, and other people I bump into this events, to Gayle and Winah, to Dutdutan 2015, and last my to my three beautiful children who keeps me sane - Xanthe, Nickhers and Prances.

Foremost to the people who left The Asylum, without you we wouldn't go this far, Shen, Shyra, and Mitch.

Thank you for sharing these 10 months, Until we reopen our gates again.

Paul Andrew Jurilla, The Asylum

rise and fall

It's September 14, and my worries has sunk to  a new level - after writing my manifesto and a clear direction to what The Asylum has to offer, slowly people, whom I consider friends, and staff, slowly drop off.

Yes The Asylum foundation is slowly crumbling, that each key member with no apparent reason, just want to go their own separate way. Now I can't stop them, there is no contract binding them, and we don't get paid on my sanctioned photo shoots. I always believed doing what you love, makes you keep coming back - well I guess it's all about money or their own selfish reasons, connoting not in a negative way.

It's these things, that cause some disheartening in my end, Did I fail as leader?

Just not so long ago my Hair and Make-up artist, had some qualms thinking she would be fired, when she over assumed a topic about her, when it fact was a mere feedback process we want to give her since she is affiliating herself with different groups and trying to be a key figure in the group. Followed by a small rift with my graphics artist, whom I consider almost like my little sister - to the point and gave up. Getting her back was not easy, and just to make it worse, her laptop broke down where our photos are held now in limbo, with a almost a month of projects and hard work waiting to be done.

I have delayed myself for a long period of time - September, I conclude was not a good one.

As of date, I have lost my Stylist and Co-Casting Director, two of whom which are best in the industry who pivoted so much ideas, and impact to the group, and the direction as to where it's going, boils down back to me, Did I fail as leader? I could not help but think, is it my fault, on how I my work ethic is too much like a slave driver - that all I want is to achiever near perfect execution,. How does Donald Trump do it?

September is here, I just have to end it right, if it means the rise and fall of my group, or just the core key players holding on, which is me, my partner and key model, for better or worse now.

Now this September I have no lined up shoots since my original model left for Singapore, in which our theme for the month was artistic nudes, now that it was scrapped out, I am focusing my time in going to events such as Dutdutan 2014 - Tattoo Convention, and people who are thinking, I do plan to have one, and Best of Anime, with it's controversial No Ticket, No Entry policy which to some extent has been clarified or possibly listed for now. Both held this coming weekend for which I am coming in a Saturday, and ending on a Sunday - comes Monday with aches and pains - what you must do for what you love.

Starting Next month,  I will be putting my signature on my blogs, I think it looks cool, and thinking of considering migrating my photos from Facebook to Square Space - so much plans and hopefully October's shoot I can pull of the Freakshow, with no venue to pull, and wardrobe to get it going, we will wait and see of what can I come out with. I will also be taking part of my first Yukata-Kimono gathering, wondering of what I'd look like.

For now I will just stare profusely on these.... Hoping for the best despite the chaos....