life redux

A crazy month of June has passed, and a 2^nd week of July is slowly creeping its way in, and yet I have been busy like spending quality time with my mom, and shooting at Toycon, now I am working on a little fund raiser, my first Lolita con, The Asylum: Lolita, in which of the funds I will be collecting goes to my mom, in helping lessen our expenses to pay for chemotherapy or for her personal use.

Vincent Austria, Toycon PH 2015

I am not expecting much from the fund raiser, despite having 40 confirmed, majority of which I will be meeting for the first time, and some I have worked before in my shoots, and to some I have shot just only in conventions, I am just quite anxious or a bit nervous to see the attendance in reality and how I will deal with a large scale crowd, working with another photographer that I haven’t heard of. I didn’t do much of a background check, but I pray that none of my attendees will be harmed or be harassed.

I am looking forward for three events this year – the first Asia Pop Comic Con, which is to be held in Manila, which I guess the biggest event that there is, followed by my first Fantasy Quest, which is their fourth season, and lastly Dutdutan XV: the Philippine Tattoo Convention, I am still undecided in attending other events this year but then I would rather focus on my small shoots as I will be taking a hiatus from large scale ones. Someone once said I should go back to the basics – to really take time shooting my model in which I would be doing. I will be working from former models of mine to colleagues at work, in which we will be shooting in different locations that I never dared myself going myself to – such as the La Loma Cemetery, the Diplomat Hotel, Clark Air Base Hospital – known amongst the haunted places in the country, to pushing my model’s limits in a Calvin Klein inspired photo shoot to FHM style.

Yup I am evolving my photo skills a little, pushing myself to face my fears to do what I don’t usually do which is to go beyond cosplay, and fashion shoots to more risky, and dramatic shoots. I hope all goes well, and to come what may, hope for the best – I look forward to see things unfold as time goes by, and maybe just maybe I will hit my big break that I am looking for.   

three conventions and a delayed photoshoot

It has been pretty a long time since I wrote something in my blog, and I still feel the falling out from a colleague who helped me get to where I am at. A lot has happened over the course of the month itself, tragic or joy – thankful that I got through. May, was a busy month, where I was able to attend three cosplay conventions from Saturday to Sunday to the end of the month, and tried to pull off a photo shoot in the same but got delayed due to unforeseen things.

 I never realized how much the month of may drained me, that to this very day I still felt never so tired – never again will I do something like this but down the line I had fun.

April, O-Kun Fiesto

Nica, Nexcon

Shion Goddess, Animax

On the 16^th of May I attended the O-Kun Fiesta which was held in the SMX of SM Mall of Asia, sad to say the event pretty much disappointed me, in which I felt the event proper felt flat – I got bored right away where I took a few shots and left home early. Maybe it was the crowd that got to me or maybe it was the lack of sleep, which I think I had only 3 hours of – I came in to see two of my daughters, April and Yuriko, and did a small shoot with some friends that I knew who were present in the area. I was pretty much convinced that I will not go the event the day after which was Nex Con, but sure enough with a few tugs from Vincent aka No-face and Nica, I surprised myself by boarding the cab heading out to the function rooms of SM Aura. With all the cosplay events I have attended, I have never gone to something that felt organized and clean with Nex Con. Though the cosplayers wore western influenced characters such as the likes of TV series the Game of Thrones to Lord of the Rings to DC Comics characters – it was fun. More so that Vincent and I helped opened the 2^nd day to the event with  a game called Face Palm the Music, in which we had to guess the theme or song by face palming a human buzzer. I lost by one, because we had to spin around before buzzing… I lost to “Mortal Kombat”.  And my friends, this is how I humiliated myself with loads of people, but I can't stop smiling from then on.  I had a number of shots, from shooting a gang load of Daenarys attacking a Tyrell, to seeing the New 52 Joker harassing a Batman mannequin, to bumping in person the famous Jin and Tadashi cosplayers, and scream my lungs out on a Lip Synch battle in support of people who I just met. I went home late with a smile as oppose to O-kun.

The very next week I had to go to BGC for a photo shoot I organized with inked friends, unfortunately I had to postpone due to having one of my models not feeling so well that day. I was pretty much tired, I didn’t want to go to any other events until my officemate the cosplayer, Shion Goddess pushed me to attending Animax which was on the 31^st of May. To be honest, I never wanted to go and support Alodia events because I felt cheated on overpriced tickets and felt it was not worth m time – but it was Shion Goddess’ return, I had to pay my respects and help get her career going – thinking nothing could top the experience and fun I had with Nex Con, the event of Animax was rather almost as par, same chaos though, but meeting colleagues like my idol Sir Christian Mack, seeing my old model Ysa, meeting up with Cjaze and others I had a decent amount of fun. From the cheesy lanyard I got from the ticket to laughing my ass off seeing Shion Goddess try to grab a soda, and ended up almost half an hour or so because the fanatics just can’t stop admiring and take a shoot of her, to having mysef just chilling and having a good time without stressing myself too much.

Maybe I should keep on having this mentality of not stressing myself too much on the next cosplay events – and just really feel and rock the vibe of people and meet new friends. I am ever grateful to all of the time I have had – it helped me overcome the depression I had along the way, especially dealing with my Mom’s cancer and work performance blues… I hope the momentum keeps on going. 

dear mom

dear mom,

I never expected this, nor I am prepared for this, I am afraid to lose you. When I lost a sister, I was in the point of no return - and took what's left of me to come back, now we are this state, I don't think I will ever return if I lose you too.

Dear mom, you are the fabric of my existence, the love, the compassion, the sarcasm and my worries are all from you - I grew up to you teaching me, you were my first teacher. You handed my first book to my first slap in the butt, you were too my disciplinarian. You taught me to appreciate music at an early age, from the likes of Beethoven to Mozart, at a young age, I never understood how old music soothes you, now I do now. You taught me the likes of the opera, or help me understood art, back then Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michaelangelo were nothing but Ninja Turtles but you made love each one of them. You taught me to read the encyclopedia when I was bored, taught me the read the books on our shelf, which were mostly Psychological, Medical textbooks of my siblings but nonetheless took it too where my mind developed to where it is now. You also disciplined me to the ways unlike no other, you were scarier than a drill officer, and disciplined me that all things are not free. You disciplined the value of money, that fifty bucks one a Friday is a reward and worth the wait. You disciplined me to be have, the not open my mouth when nothing is right coming out - to the likes to respect my elders,despite how scary they were when growing up. You disciplined me to the likes of etiquette, and I know now, that a true gentleman is a lady's man.

Dear mom, It is scary and worries me as you go through the operation, as the ordeals and pains I could hardly imagine, as I feel the anxiety as you do - I remember the times you were the one who stood among my siblings when they were bullying me, stood to face every parent when I was mocked or teased by my classmates, and even stood every school teacher when I had failing grade and questioned why -  you were there for me to protect me, you were there when I shouldn't feel envious with others, you were there that I should exert effort and prove that I am that smart. You were there at those times when I had no cash, you came by to get me a burger, parked our car just to have lunch when I was in elementary, you were there to pick me up in the soaking rain when I needed you, you were there to see my heart not broken in the relationship I get into, you were there, you knew best for me.

Dear mom, I don't want to imagine for the worst, there are long years to come, I pray to Lord Jesus, to help us get through this - the very way how you taught me how to pray, how you taught me and brought me to church to be active in it, to embrace the power of God's love as you did for me, you taught me to pray to my angels for guidance for protection, now I do the same for you my mom - let my angels protect, and help us, deliver us... There are so many things I am not prepared for, my mom but I want to say sorry for t.he times I have accidentally kicked you when you were waking up when I was small because I wanted to stay in bed a little longer before going to school, making you wake up early in the morning when I needed to go to work, to make you tired of reminding me things over and over, to have ruined your beautiful garden, to my recklessness - to have disappointed you in my decisions, I am sorry for the times I have hurt you mom. I am sorry for the times when I was angry when you were never to show up on my award nights, I am sorry when I hated you for not being there supportive to my relationships, I am sorry when I resented you for being late or the time you were not picking up your phone, I am sorry when I felt so bad you were not there to see me win those tournaments at golf or other things I was good at, I am sorry mom, I am so sorry

My dear mom

Dear mom there are so many things we will go through together, I want you to see me wed, I want you to hold my child, your grand child, to usher you the home I bought, to help you and bring you places. as tears trickle my face, I want you to see me truly happy, dear mom you are my strength, I am thankful that you gave birth to me as you life started, I may be not the perfect child, the perfect son but you tried your best to understand me, you tried your best to love me fully and deeply, you tried your best to be there for, and now mom I am still in the part of not ready to let go if it comes to worst - I am not ready face the ordeals of my ill-tempered father, who's temper is much shorter than yours, I am not ready to face the world to the only person I confide myself too, who I trust when I needed to go out, and I am just simply not ready to have you not around, - to have a table empty, to remind me to have a night prayer, to effortlessly not complain to bring me out of the village so I can get a ride to work, to help me saw the holes on my clothes, to buy me a sandwich to cheer me up, to even buy me food when my siblings have locked out the fridge with theirs, to loan me money when I have a shortage of cash sacrificing your small budget, to call me her baby, and to have a mother, who can love me this much.

Dear mom, I love you.