a new year spares no casualities

It’s been a while since I wrote a personal piece in which a lot has happened this 2015 – what began through rediscovering who I am in my father’s homeland, finding strength in family to a homecoming of a series of events… I have lessened myself in doing my own themed shoots, only of which I have piloted successfully on my own are my May Ink, Lolita and Rainy Day shoots. In place I had made myself active in various events from being an opening act for Nexcon 2 to a wandering geek at Asia Pop Comic Con, being a media partner for Asia Cosplay Meets Philippines, and made a statement for dress to impress in Fantasy Quest 4. I also established myself being part of the Baguio community, thus I made a name, a brand and its taking its baby steps to baby walks – I am getting there. Last December I was supposed to end it with a bang with End of Days – sadly got cancelled out with the number of participants I had, which wasn’t substantial to cover the day. I made myself suffer to going to Ozine which was chaotic as usual. It was no fun as I had few shots because I was mainly exhausted by just going in and out of the convention. And that pretty sums up 2015, fun, chaotic, wet and wild.

This 2016 I am going back to what I do best, which is just focusing on fashion and cosplay shoots that I can handle – and being active only to major events. There is a lot to reflect on for this 2016 – and I guess my resolution for the year is simply, Keeping my mouth shut more, Really make things work, and Leave expectations behind me for less disappointment but foremost my biggest resolution is to got stop acting desperate. Lately my loneliness has gotten much worse, and worse is subscribing back myself in Tinder in hope for love. I got clicks there and then – but I still long for that physical connection. I guess my desperation of wanting a partner in life, is making me crazy. The every wanting thoughts of marriage, church bells and having a child of my own is clouding my thoughts – and the insults of my office are going to my head. I did have my regrets, the past relationships I have had who made me who I am is no rash insult to wanting more in life. Relationships goals pop up here and there, the days become colder, I hope for only things to get better.

What happens now? I got to keep continuing being positive, got to keep on surviving by being better than I was before. I shouldn’t dwell much on things I cannot control. Come what may, was always been my motto, but this time, take charge and not hesitate, will be something I shall live by. So 2016 give me the best, and I will take charge and do the rest.

of rain and more rain

Maria Garcia, Sillykompeito

It’s already August, and the seasons has changed, so rapidly, that I could hardly keep up, it almost like felt like yesterday when I did the fundraising event for my mom, The Asylum: Lolita. I cannot help and overwhelmed on how thankful I am, and happy to the people who strongly participated in it. 

I still get that high when I look back and remember how this shoot went, despite 40 plus who confirmed on my invite, I still got a substantial number who came. 4 photographers came, and one who did not properly introduce himself, 7 cosplayers or rather I had 7 who came. We began past lunch time, I had to wait for the others if they were really coming, I got the pleasure of working with Maria Garcia, whom I got to know for dressing up as Cat Woman and Harely Quinn, and foremost became my second In-House model for the Asylum and it was an honor for me to work with Stylebible.PH and freelance Preview magazine photographer Stan Dela Cruz. In which he provided me so much learning, insights in the fashion photography industry, and what his life was like – getting to shoot for the love of it, and how also shares his distastes on some events. It was a learning experience for me and Maria, to learn from a master, or a patient teacher, on how he truly supports that Lolita is the next fashion thing or to look out for in this country. In a couple of hours I was joined by Amgine, June of PXL, Karen Kim and another photographer who is known as Stray Cat.  From Sailor moon Lolita to goth, to the sweet to the punk, it was fun and the sudden bad clouds pressured me to wrap things up quickly. The skies weren’t cooperative down the line, but I got a number of good photos taken from the pointers given by Stan, which really upgraded my skill set.

Nonetheless, I had fun having to see old friends again, and meet new ones, how my South Cosplayers supported me and joined in.

    

The House of Dolls: Rainy Season Edition

Come this August 15, I will apply of all what I have learned and apply to a fashion shoot, together in partnership with BGC MyCity.com, I would be hosting a rainy season fashion wear shoot. It something I am excited for since, this is where I feel more comfortable with in directing because I know what I want, or what looks I am going for. So far 30 have confirmed in attendance through my e-invitation, and I have to see who will really deliver on that day. I am looking forward the most is working with Maria Garcia again, and see what we photos we can come out with.

It has been busy day and week for me as I try fixing my South group, and balancing my work like to my personal life. I have been keeping myself preoccupied. I am also working on to saving money for the next three events I will be bringing myself too – and I hope I can finally bring this brand to a recognizable one, meaning to say that The Asylum shall be known and someday able to be take in more partnerships, more projects to cover and work on.

misjudged

"All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once. Am I right? You had a bad day and everything changed." - Joker

I want to thank all the people who shown their support through prayers, kinds words of strength and just being at my side at the loneliest times. You made me feel that I can go through this, and it means all so much to me, and the good news is that my mom went through her operation successfully - and part of my worries are over.

The reason for my blog is that I am getting bad reputation on my decisions, I turned down two assignments to cover events, one of which a colleague's grandmother's birthday, in which the directions were not clear on the onset, in my understanding that the host will cover for my transportation and my expenses just to get there, meaning that I will join them, be picked by the host and be brought to the site in which I will cover the event, but this was not the case - it appears I was told I need to take the bus, to a far off place, in which find the location myself, thus I felt my rate was under compensated since I would be carrying equipment that I need to help me cover the event, and I felt that my safety is a risk, more so the equipment, and I felt the pay will not cover for any loss or damages. I gave my reason, 2 days prior to the event - and I felt I stabbed the client by the back. On my second turned down assignment was from a friend of whom I shall not name, in respect of reputation - due to some personal issues that may cause some clashes, I chose to back out two weeks prior to the event, and now I was called upon being unprofessional. I know that personal issues, is would be a petty excuse, but my worries is filing the leave given the event is scheduled on a my regular work day has a high rate of being denied because I have no valid excuse to deliver, and that is why I prefer covering shoots on my day-offs, and I'm better off using my leaves for something important such as my mother's chemotherapy sessions.

Not all people will understand and  immediately judge me for being picky on my assignments or the person affected on personal issues however before I take any assignment - I have to see to it I get home safe, given that I'm the youngest in the family, and I don't worry my senior citizen parents, more so my mother who is still recovering her ordeal with cancer, next, is that I am well compensated should anything happen to me, or my equipment, since after all I am heavily dependent on this to keep me alive, I so sure don't want anything to happen to my babies. Lastly, I see to it that when I do cancel the assignment, I let you know ahead, but bear I cancel them for a very good reason.

I know down the line, I would be hearing more boos, and less recommendations from The Asylum, I will guess I have to take this as a challenge - I guess I am having a bad day, but I realize, as long I still see my mom is still smiling knowing she can count on me being there for her as her youngest son, I rather spend the time for her than a hobby that takes me away from her presence. So mom, I know I should be out doing something to help pay your bills, but I rather be at your side, so we can go through this together. Happy Mother's Day!.

dear mom

dear mom,

I never expected this, nor I am prepared for this, I am afraid to lose you. When I lost a sister, I was in the point of no return - and took what's left of me to come back, now we are this state, I don't think I will ever return if I lose you too.

Dear mom, you are the fabric of my existence, the love, the compassion, the sarcasm and my worries are all from you - I grew up to you teaching me, you were my first teacher. You handed my first book to my first slap in the butt, you were too my disciplinarian. You taught me to appreciate music at an early age, from the likes of Beethoven to Mozart, at a young age, I never understood how old music soothes you, now I do now. You taught me the likes of the opera, or help me understood art, back then Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michaelangelo were nothing but Ninja Turtles but you made love each one of them. You taught me to read the encyclopedia when I was bored, taught me the read the books on our shelf, which were mostly Psychological, Medical textbooks of my siblings but nonetheless took it too where my mind developed to where it is now. You also disciplined me to the ways unlike no other, you were scarier than a drill officer, and disciplined me that all things are not free. You disciplined the value of money, that fifty bucks one a Friday is a reward and worth the wait. You disciplined me to be have, the not open my mouth when nothing is right coming out - to the likes to respect my elders,despite how scary they were when growing up. You disciplined me to the likes of etiquette, and I know now, that a true gentleman is a lady's man.

Dear mom, It is scary and worries me as you go through the operation, as the ordeals and pains I could hardly imagine, as I feel the anxiety as you do - I remember the times you were the one who stood among my siblings when they were bullying me, stood to face every parent when I was mocked or teased by my classmates, and even stood every school teacher when I had failing grade and questioned why -  you were there for me to protect me, you were there when I shouldn't feel envious with others, you were there that I should exert effort and prove that I am that smart. You were there at those times when I had no cash, you came by to get me a burger, parked our car just to have lunch when I was in elementary, you were there to pick me up in the soaking rain when I needed you, you were there to see my heart not broken in the relationship I get into, you were there, you knew best for me.

Dear mom, I don't want to imagine for the worst, there are long years to come, I pray to Lord Jesus, to help us get through this - the very way how you taught me how to pray, how you taught me and brought me to church to be active in it, to embrace the power of God's love as you did for me, you taught me to pray to my angels for guidance for protection, now I do the same for you my mom - let my angels protect, and help us, deliver us... There are so many things I am not prepared for, my mom but I want to say sorry for t.he times I have accidentally kicked you when you were waking up when I was small because I wanted to stay in bed a little longer before going to school, making you wake up early in the morning when I needed to go to work, to make you tired of reminding me things over and over, to have ruined your beautiful garden, to my recklessness - to have disappointed you in my decisions, I am sorry for the times I have hurt you mom. I am sorry for the times when I was angry when you were never to show up on my award nights, I am sorry when I hated you for not being there supportive to my relationships, I am sorry when I resented you for being late or the time you were not picking up your phone, I am sorry when I felt so bad you were not there to see me win those tournaments at golf or other things I was good at, I am sorry mom, I am so sorry

My dear mom

Dear mom there are so many things we will go through together, I want you to see me wed, I want you to hold my child, your grand child, to usher you the home I bought, to help you and bring you places. as tears trickle my face, I want you to see me truly happy, dear mom you are my strength, I am thankful that you gave birth to me as you life started, I may be not the perfect child, the perfect son but you tried your best to understand me, you tried your best to love me fully and deeply, you tried your best to be there for, and now mom I am still in the part of not ready to let go if it comes to worst - I am not ready face the ordeals of my ill-tempered father, who's temper is much shorter than yours, I am not ready to face the world to the only person I confide myself too, who I trust when I needed to go out, and I am just simply not ready to have you not around, - to have a table empty, to remind me to have a night prayer, to effortlessly not complain to bring me out of the village so I can get a ride to work, to help me saw the holes on my clothes, to buy me a sandwich to cheer me up, to even buy me food when my siblings have locked out the fridge with theirs, to loan me money when I have a shortage of cash sacrificing your small budget, to call me her baby, and to have a mother, who can love me this much.

Dear mom, I love you.

it just gets better

A friend recently posted on her Facebook wall, the Thai Film, "It Gets Better", reckons it's good movie, a comedy and tragedy of the third sex, that she tells everyone to watch. When I heard about this, I can't help but be curious to go up to my laptop and tried to check out all the torrent sites that I know and try to download myself a bootleg copy of it - I ended up watching via YouTube, and caught myself immersed to a life, full of color - and can't help but remember my past.

Basically, it's a film that tells 3 stories, and how it slowly intertwines each other into one large tale - From a son dancing off to his dead mother's clothes, caught by his father and was sent to exile to a Buddhist monastery in hopes that will straighten his ways; A story of a post-op transsexual, visiting a province, with a shady past; And, a son goes home from abroad to visit his late dad's lady boy cabaret bar, in making the biggest decision of his life, to continue the legacy of his father, or end up closing the bar for the money.

To begin with, this movie isn't for everybody - the reason why I watched it in the first place, is how I remember my two relationships - I had who were transgenders, one lasted for more than 4 years and the other just for 9 months. The other reason why I watched it, is that I am a sucker for unconventional love stories, that's why I dig movies like What Dreams May Come, If I Stay, The Vow, My Sassy Girl and Miracle in Cell No. 37. When I meant the movie isn't for everybody - it's because It's all about the third sex, if you are homophobic, and all you can think Brokeback Mountain moments is the most horrible thing you've seen, and Boys Don't Cry made you cringe, then this is not for you. It's a movie meant for the open minded, to people who believe or see love has no borders, to fathers and sons trying to find acceptance and to people who just are as crazy as I am who enjoy watching movies that make you feel vulnerable and see humanity at it's purest.

It Gets Better, 2012

After going through an hour and forty minutes, seeing how these stories, mold itself - I enjoyed watching it because the story is simple, where scenes doesn't distract ones eye, and the dialogue is not over exaggerated - the story itself doesn't fill with impossibility but could happen to any one, one can immerse and feel one's shoes, it will drive you to feel confused as they were, to question your own existence as they did, to go and empathize. After watching it, feels like you've gone to a whirlwind of emotion - it shows how finally transgenders are not meant always portrayed for comic relief, this movies shows that they are human beings, and they don't deserve labels, that they bleed like we do and from a guy's point of view things become more clearer.

So to wrap things up, of good color and good story, I like the twists and turns on how these became one good solid movie, I even learned that this movie was released on Valentine's Day 2012.  So Must I feel this Good for this flick - Definite a Heart warmer for this Summer Season, 4.5 out of 5.

dear you

Dear Future Girlfriend,

I don’t know, who you’d be, what you look like, and how I will meet you – but I look forward to each single day in meeting you. I look forward to being in our first few dates, holding your hands and watching or just gazing at you. I want to apologize beforehand that I can be real quiet, perhaps I am going ecstatic in my mind and the same time afraid, I might say the wrong things, this is how I show my nervousness… this is how I really am… I am this quiet guy, who can’t help be feel the fireworks of joy inside, and he is holding your hand, his cold sweaty palms.  I do apologize if I haven’t made any plans – as I go things on the fly, or I let you choose on where you want to eat, go or do – it’s not that I’m indecisive it’s just I want you to take me and grab me and pull me to places where you want to go, eat the things you crave for when your little stomach grumbles, to chill, to laugh, to make each place intimate, and special – a lingering memory – all I just want to do, go anywhere as long I am with you.

I look forward to spending time as months go by, celebrating our monthsaries in a different restaurant, by then we’d be traveling every other year of our anniversary, if given we are blessed the budget, I look forward to having our first surf together on the crashing waves on a beach or first dive to the deep blue sea and watching the marine life pass as by, I look forward to sharing a drink with you, while we gaze the sunset together as I cuddle you in between my arms as we both listen the same playlist of songs in our player, I look forward to just like our first date, hold hands and walk by the shore or the empty streets, I look forward experience the bitter cold fog, and keeping you warm, - I also look forward to the days when we travel by bus, you will lean your head on my shoulders and I watch you sleep or rest in our long travels, or clasp my hands as we escalate on the airplane as those thing I fear, taking off and landing, -  I look forward to us getting lost and have a little argument but somehow find our way – I look forward for us going to exciting to the old familiar or new places we’ve never been – you will be my travel buddy, the person I will exhaust myself carrying bags for, get grumpy, but still I will love you.

I don’t know when – and for how long will I wait for you but I look for opening our door to our place, a small place called home, I hope you don’t mind that it won’t be that extravagant, because it’s all I could afford, I look forward for us saving so we can buy more stuff, more pleasing to our friends eye. I look forward in inviting and meeting your friends, especially being welcomed to your family as you’d do with mine – I look forward in crashing in each other’s places during the holidays, then after which landing to our home. Our home that I look forward for us building together, spending times and moments cooking and tasting each other’s burned food – to ending up ordering and delivering food from pizzas to burgers, to anything that can dial our hands to, just watching you eat, just watching you sleep.  I look forward to have intimate moments, not just sex, just spending quiet moments, being at each other’s arms, waking up to surprises each single day – and alas coming home, just coming home to you after a tiring day, giving each other back rubs and massages – and you what I look forward is being hugged by you, tighter knowing that I had someone miss me while I’ve been working for us.

I know our relationship will be not always this perfect, it’s not always going to be roses, on my hand, but we will do this and make it work together – we will have our fights, quarrels, sleepless nights but we will not give up, we will continue to make this right, but I assure I will be ever be honest, loyal and transparent to you – hear my thoughts, my feelings and I will listen to yours, talk to you objectively  and not rest until we get it right.

So many things I want to say – or do, like mimic you just to tease you, run around, work out together to get each other fit after binging too much, have you hold the remote but I look forward is to growing old with you, yes – there will be those days, when we get it right, to the point I want to settle things down and be with you, forever is an impossible world, but I look forward that you would be the last, amongst the long chain of women I’ve been with, after battling my depression – all I want is you be there, to have my ever after with, be the one whom I will hold dearly to – for better, for worse, to beyond death, let us not part.

I am sorry if I am this clingy fool, I have been through a lot – went to all so many hardships looking, searching, waiting, and to the point in time, I found you. I will love you for the rest of my days, tend to you when you are sick and not alright, hug you when you a stressed, cover your eyes, when you are watching a scary movie as you will do with mine, have our his and hers of things, be my muse of my photography, be each other’s alarm clock for work, be each other’s motivation to be optimistic for the future, the one I will share affinity staring at the full moon, be each other’s world – all I ask of you and expect, is not to break my heart, tell me your thoughts so I can create this bond with you, tell me where it hurts and lastly, let’s make it work.

I don’t have a perfect life, you may even hear rumors about me, on how my past, on my present but I would do I can to assure, that there will be nothing more,  I will give you the honor to meet all the people in my life, know every shadow, and to what I am afraid of. You will meet my parents, know every fabric of my life of how I grew up and became who I am now before you, you will know the things that will tick me, you will know every bit of me, you will get to learn how we celebrate things, be part of the festivals I go to, I would let you know and see what I see,  I will also expect that from you – I will look forward in showing me in every mood you can give me, from the best of times, to your worst of times – to know your friends, your family, to remembering each name and their birthday, to know what ticks you, what peeves you. I look forward to hear you rant, to hear why you got upset, or to hear you talk about your day, the wonderful things you discovered, the shoes that you bought for me to check out, for you to accidentally maxing out our bank account by accident, to taste your cooking, your baking – I look forward on telling me how your day went. I look forward to hearing you, sending you messages through my mobile letting you know I am here, and I am thinking of you, I will spoil you with all my love – I will get you the shoes, the article of clothing you want, save up if you do wish, but I will let you remind you of our budget – I will celebrate to every joy in your life, birthdays, and being part of your family traditions.

I will always call you beautiful, no matter how you feel ugly inside, I will always call you sexy, when you know you have gained weight, I will always be proud of you no matter how many times you fail to have confidence on yourself - you can count on me to tell you the truth, give you the feedback you need, the assurances you deserve. You can also count on me wiping the tears from your eyes, be the extra wallet when you lack the budget to go about what you need for the day. You will always have me, your best friend, your supporter, your doctor, your teacher, your brother, your lover, and your life. I will always be there to teach you new things, even share you and play my favorite computer games, proof read my articles, let you learn Magic: The Gathering, I will always be there for you. I will also learn from you, make me a better person, how to dress well, be your guinea pig to your make-ups, stop my bad habits, be an example that you want me to be, be the leaning shoulder when all things go tumbling down, be the Captain of your life, and foremost you can count on me.

I look forward how you will dress up to all the occasion we go to, be the best in ourselves that we can be – dress to kill, dress for the moment. I look forward you getting things for me and surprising me with them, and I would do the same. But you know what? I look forward that someday, in His time, we will pray together, but what excites me, I look forward in meeting you real soon – I will love you, I will take good care of you, I will always be there for you.

Love always,

Your future boyfriend