life redux

A crazy month of June has passed, and a 2^nd week of July is slowly creeping its way in, and yet I have been busy like spending quality time with my mom, and shooting at Toycon, now I am working on a little fund raiser, my first Lolita con, The Asylum: Lolita, in which of the funds I will be collecting goes to my mom, in helping lessen our expenses to pay for chemotherapy or for her personal use.

Vincent Austria, Toycon PH 2015

I am not expecting much from the fund raiser, despite having 40 confirmed, majority of which I will be meeting for the first time, and some I have worked before in my shoots, and to some I have shot just only in conventions, I am just quite anxious or a bit nervous to see the attendance in reality and how I will deal with a large scale crowd, working with another photographer that I haven’t heard of. I didn’t do much of a background check, but I pray that none of my attendees will be harmed or be harassed.

I am looking forward for three events this year – the first Asia Pop Comic Con, which is to be held in Manila, which I guess the biggest event that there is, followed by my first Fantasy Quest, which is their fourth season, and lastly Dutdutan XV: the Philippine Tattoo Convention, I am still undecided in attending other events this year but then I would rather focus on my small shoots as I will be taking a hiatus from large scale ones. Someone once said I should go back to the basics – to really take time shooting my model in which I would be doing. I will be working from former models of mine to colleagues at work, in which we will be shooting in different locations that I never dared myself going myself to – such as the La Loma Cemetery, the Diplomat Hotel, Clark Air Base Hospital – known amongst the haunted places in the country, to pushing my model’s limits in a Calvin Klein inspired photo shoot to FHM style.

Yup I am evolving my photo skills a little, pushing myself to face my fears to do what I don’t usually do which is to go beyond cosplay, and fashion shoots to more risky, and dramatic shoots. I hope all goes well, and to come what may, hope for the best – I look forward to see things unfold as time goes by, and maybe just maybe I will hit my big break that I am looking for.   

misjudged

"All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once. Am I right? You had a bad day and everything changed." - Joker

I want to thank all the people who shown their support through prayers, kinds words of strength and just being at my side at the loneliest times. You made me feel that I can go through this, and it means all so much to me, and the good news is that my mom went through her operation successfully - and part of my worries are over.

The reason for my blog is that I am getting bad reputation on my decisions, I turned down two assignments to cover events, one of which a colleague's grandmother's birthday, in which the directions were not clear on the onset, in my understanding that the host will cover for my transportation and my expenses just to get there, meaning that I will join them, be picked by the host and be brought to the site in which I will cover the event, but this was not the case - it appears I was told I need to take the bus, to a far off place, in which find the location myself, thus I felt my rate was under compensated since I would be carrying equipment that I need to help me cover the event, and I felt that my safety is a risk, more so the equipment, and I felt the pay will not cover for any loss or damages. I gave my reason, 2 days prior to the event - and I felt I stabbed the client by the back. On my second turned down assignment was from a friend of whom I shall not name, in respect of reputation - due to some personal issues that may cause some clashes, I chose to back out two weeks prior to the event, and now I was called upon being unprofessional. I know that personal issues, is would be a petty excuse, but my worries is filing the leave given the event is scheduled on a my regular work day has a high rate of being denied because I have no valid excuse to deliver, and that is why I prefer covering shoots on my day-offs, and I'm better off using my leaves for something important such as my mother's chemotherapy sessions.

Not all people will understand and  immediately judge me for being picky on my assignments or the person affected on personal issues however before I take any assignment - I have to see to it I get home safe, given that I'm the youngest in the family, and I don't worry my senior citizen parents, more so my mother who is still recovering her ordeal with cancer, next, is that I am well compensated should anything happen to me, or my equipment, since after all I am heavily dependent on this to keep me alive, I so sure don't want anything to happen to my babies. Lastly, I see to it that when I do cancel the assignment, I let you know ahead, but bear I cancel them for a very good reason.

I know down the line, I would be hearing more boos, and less recommendations from The Asylum, I will guess I have to take this as a challenge - I guess I am having a bad day, but I realize, as long I still see my mom is still smiling knowing she can count on me being there for her as her youngest son, I rather spend the time for her than a hobby that takes me away from her presence. So mom, I know I should be out doing something to help pay your bills, but I rather be at your side, so we can go through this together. Happy Mother's Day!.

dear mom

dear mom,

I never expected this, nor I am prepared for this, I am afraid to lose you. When I lost a sister, I was in the point of no return - and took what's left of me to come back, now we are this state, I don't think I will ever return if I lose you too.

Dear mom, you are the fabric of my existence, the love, the compassion, the sarcasm and my worries are all from you - I grew up to you teaching me, you were my first teacher. You handed my first book to my first slap in the butt, you were too my disciplinarian. You taught me to appreciate music at an early age, from the likes of Beethoven to Mozart, at a young age, I never understood how old music soothes you, now I do now. You taught me the likes of the opera, or help me understood art, back then Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michaelangelo were nothing but Ninja Turtles but you made love each one of them. You taught me to read the encyclopedia when I was bored, taught me the read the books on our shelf, which were mostly Psychological, Medical textbooks of my siblings but nonetheless took it too where my mind developed to where it is now. You also disciplined me to the ways unlike no other, you were scarier than a drill officer, and disciplined me that all things are not free. You disciplined the value of money, that fifty bucks one a Friday is a reward and worth the wait. You disciplined me to be have, the not open my mouth when nothing is right coming out - to the likes to respect my elders,despite how scary they were when growing up. You disciplined me to the likes of etiquette, and I know now, that a true gentleman is a lady's man.

Dear mom, It is scary and worries me as you go through the operation, as the ordeals and pains I could hardly imagine, as I feel the anxiety as you do - I remember the times you were the one who stood among my siblings when they were bullying me, stood to face every parent when I was mocked or teased by my classmates, and even stood every school teacher when I had failing grade and questioned why -  you were there for me to protect me, you were there when I shouldn't feel envious with others, you were there that I should exert effort and prove that I am that smart. You were there at those times when I had no cash, you came by to get me a burger, parked our car just to have lunch when I was in elementary, you were there to pick me up in the soaking rain when I needed you, you were there to see my heart not broken in the relationship I get into, you were there, you knew best for me.

Dear mom, I don't want to imagine for the worst, there are long years to come, I pray to Lord Jesus, to help us get through this - the very way how you taught me how to pray, how you taught me and brought me to church to be active in it, to embrace the power of God's love as you did for me, you taught me to pray to my angels for guidance for protection, now I do the same for you my mom - let my angels protect, and help us, deliver us... There are so many things I am not prepared for, my mom but I want to say sorry for t.he times I have accidentally kicked you when you were waking up when I was small because I wanted to stay in bed a little longer before going to school, making you wake up early in the morning when I needed to go to work, to make you tired of reminding me things over and over, to have ruined your beautiful garden, to my recklessness - to have disappointed you in my decisions, I am sorry for the times I have hurt you mom. I am sorry for the times when I was angry when you were never to show up on my award nights, I am sorry when I hated you for not being there supportive to my relationships, I am sorry when I resented you for being late or the time you were not picking up your phone, I am sorry when I felt so bad you were not there to see me win those tournaments at golf or other things I was good at, I am sorry mom, I am so sorry

My dear mom

Dear mom there are so many things we will go through together, I want you to see me wed, I want you to hold my child, your grand child, to usher you the home I bought, to help you and bring you places. as tears trickle my face, I want you to see me truly happy, dear mom you are my strength, I am thankful that you gave birth to me as you life started, I may be not the perfect child, the perfect son but you tried your best to understand me, you tried your best to love me fully and deeply, you tried your best to be there for, and now mom I am still in the part of not ready to let go if it comes to worst - I am not ready face the ordeals of my ill-tempered father, who's temper is much shorter than yours, I am not ready to face the world to the only person I confide myself too, who I trust when I needed to go out, and I am just simply not ready to have you not around, - to have a table empty, to remind me to have a night prayer, to effortlessly not complain to bring me out of the village so I can get a ride to work, to help me saw the holes on my clothes, to buy me a sandwich to cheer me up, to even buy me food when my siblings have locked out the fridge with theirs, to loan me money when I have a shortage of cash sacrificing your small budget, to call me her baby, and to have a mother, who can love me this much.

Dear mom, I love you.